Torture Is Sometimes Fun
by Dextra
Summary: This is how I think Fang and maybe all the other characters will die. This is a humor fic not a tragedy. Rated T for weirdness. Chapeter 2: Mickey Mouse's club house and the dreaded, demonic, cookies!
1. The Mutant Tree and Mozart

**So all the hype about the new Maximum Ride book and the rumor that Fang is going to die in that book got me thinking. What will his death be like? A strange thought, I know. This is a parody of Fang's death and I might do all the other character's deaths too if people like this. This isn't a sad story, just a weird one. Enjoy!**

The flock and I decided to set up camp in this conveniently located cave. It was such a beautiful day today! The tornados were tearing houses off of the ground and the hurricanes were flooding the grocery stores. Such lovely weather! I wish it was like this everyday! Unfortunately, I couldn't admire the fantastic weather anymore because Angel interrupted my train of thinking with her nagging. God, she is so needy.

"Max! For some unheard of reason, I know who will die first!" Angel shouted.

"Who?"

"Oh boy, Max. This is some heavy duty business we're dealing with here." Ah, Angel is so stupid sometimes.

"Who, Angel?" I asked once again, in my manly voice. Wait…I mean my motherly voice.

"Fang!" Of course, at that moment some dramatic music started to play out of no where and there was a shrill scream.

"Sorry. That was me. There was a spider on my new skirt," said Nudge.

Fang seemed oblivious to what Angel had said. He was head banging to Mozart with his magically acquired iPod. We can't afford nice things so whenever we want something it just falls from the sky. Anyway, I can't blame Fang for not paying attention. I mean, come on, Mozart has some pretty badass music. I heard he was coming out with a new album called _Darling Butterflies. _I can't wait for it for to come out because once it does I am so going to ask the sky gods of stuff to make it fall out of the sky for me. I'll be the coolest kid ever!

I walked over to Fang and yanked out his headphones, which were also given to us by the sky gods of stuff. He screamed like the man he was and slapped me. Fang tends to slap people a lot.

"What the hell was that for? I was jamming out to my main man Beethoven!" Fang shouted. The whole room…err, cave got quiet. It was Iggy to speak first.

"You dare disrespect the almighty Mozart! I shun you!" Iggy said, rather dramatically I might add.

Fang just stared at him and pulled out a white glove from somewhere you really don't want to know. Iggy too, took out a white glove and then they both started to slap each other with it. Fang fell to the ground first, gasping in pain.

"God, Iggy! What's in that glove?" Fang said, while rolling around on the floor of the cave.

"Six pounds of melted butter and a tub of cottage cheese, duh." Wow Fang, you're dumb. Everyone knows that's what you keep in your gloves!

"Hey! I was talking about something important but you guys rudely ignored me!" Angel screamed over Iggy and Fang's voices. Told you she was needy.

It didn't look like Angel was going to get the boy's attention anytime soon so with a baseball bat (also from the sky gods of stuff) whacked them in the heads.

"Well, now that I have your attention I would just like to say that Fang will die. That is all," Angel said with a smile on her face.

This time Fang heard her. You could tell because he was now running around in circles, acting like a chicken with its head cut off.

"Omg! I'm gonna like die and crap!"

"I like farts," said Gazzy because he felt a bit left out.

Fang stopped whining for a second. "No one cares what you like! This is about me! All those poor fan girls are gonna to kill James Patterson!"

Gasman just raised his eyebrow at him and continued to watch Fang roll on top of the camp fire, effectively burning his emo clothes.

"What? I'm just stating a fact. Sorry you have fartaphobia, Fang," Gazzy said.

"True dat my brotha!" Iggy high-fived Gasman.

Fang stood up and gave us one of his 'tough guy' glares. "I don't have to take this, you know! I'm going to run away and die in peace!" And with that, he ran away into the tornados. Of course, I ran after him.

We ran for maybe ten or fifteen seconds before Fang collapsed under an oak tree. Fang wasn't very athletic. I walked over to him and kicked him in the balls.

"Too…tired to…gasp…in pain," Fang panted.

Fang started to army crawl over to the oak tree and kicked it. Repeatedly. He broke some of his toes but he kept kicking. Suddenly, the tree had a face. And it looked angry!

"Fang! I think the tree wants to kill you!" I called out to him but it was too late. It was always too late in the Maximum Ride world!

The tree ate Fang. Wow, I never knew that trees had the ability to eat people. Shrugging, I walked back to the cave, acting like I didn't care. Well, actually I didn't care but meh, whatever.

"Sooo, where's Fang?" asked Nudge.

"Huh? Oh yeah, a tree ate him."

Now, you probably think that everyone was sad and depressed but really, hey started to do the tango with orange slices on top of their heads.

Total fell from the sky because the sky gods of stuff were cleaning out their closet.

"Where's Fang?" Total asked me.

I sighed. "He just got eaten by a tree. No biggie."

Total nodded in a sophisticated way. "He deserved it for dissing Mozart."

Don't worry my dear fan girls. Like I said before, the sky gods of stuff were cleaning out their closet and Fang fell from the sky! Pfft! Everyone knows whenever you get eaten by something you end up in the closet in the sky.

"Max! Look what that mutant tree gave me!" Fang said excitedly.

He then pulled his pants down and mooned me. "Yeah, that's a um, nice butt you got there, Fang."

"No, not my amazingly toned butt! My new tattoo!" Yes, Fang had a butt tattoo. It looked like a squirrel.

**A/N: That was possibly the weirdest thing I have ever written. Review please! Unless you want to look at Fang's new butt tattoo. Which I highly doubt that you do. o_O**


	2. Mickey Mouse club house and cookies

**A/N: Hi! I'm surprised people actually liked this but meh. I think this chapter is even weirder than the first so get ready. Thanks for the reviews!**

I was excited today because my mom was making cookies! Nom, nom, nom! There were all kinds of cookies! Chocolate chip, oatmeal, sugar, double chocolate, purple, banana, gym sock, and Fang's nose hairs. Personally, I prefer the nose hairs. They just taste spunky! Iggy was banging his head on Total's dog bowl. Why, I have no idea. I guess it just smells good. Total smells pretty good. And Gazzy was eating the butter and cottage cheese out of Iggy's glove. So basically, it was a pretty average day.

"Max! My hand is stuck in the checkers board again! Help!" Fang shouted from inside the garbage can.

"No, this is your punishment for dissing the almighty Mozart, yo."

So, as I was saying, it was a pretty normal day. Fang thinks he's Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street. I wouldn't try to tell him otherwise. That has bad idea written all over it, believe me. Nudge was dressed up like Spongebob (it's the new style) and Angel is dressed up like the Easter bunny, also known as her evil henchman. They were rocketing eggs off and hitting old ladies walking down the street. But that didn't last long because this weird flying, pink bunny swooped down and grabbed Angel by her rabbit ears and flew off, making her his bride. We'll be getting an invitation to the wedding soon.

"Max! Your cookies are ready! Come eat this crap!" My mom yelled from the kitchen.

Finally! Now I can stop smelling my toes, which smell peanuts by the way. I felt so accomplished! I ate forty-seven cookies and only puked twice! That's a new record! Fang was now stuffing cookies in his pants for later. 'Cause he's cool like that, you know. It kind of made his butt look big but I don't think he cared. Iggy decided that he is no longer part bird, but part plane. He was running around the kitchen with his arms spread out and making plane noises, which also happen to make him spit out the cookies he ate. I love my family.

"I like farts", said Gazzy, with his mouth full of cottage cheese. The room smelled bad because cheese makes him fart. A lot.

All was calm and as it should be, until my nose hair cookies came alive! They were normal sized cookies but there were a lot of them! It took forty-seven of them to eat my mom and they only puked twice. A new record for cookies everywhere. But they weren't done. They carried me off to the Mickey Mouse club house. It was hot dog diggity-dog time!

"Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity-dog!" The cookies sang.

Out of nowhere, Gazzy shouted, "I want a hot dog!" Oh Gazzy, you're so stupid.

"Hiya folks! It's me Mickey Mouse! Come here, my darling, and let me show my hand blimp!" Mickey Mouse said and grabbed my hand.

The hand blimp was shaped like his glove. A white glove. It must have butter and cottage cheese in it. And it smelled like crap but good thing it had refreshments. I like refreshments. It had my favorite drink evar! Dish water! Yay! And I only puked twice! A new record!

Suddenly, there was a crackling sound. The cookies were eating the floor of the blimp. They started to crawl aboard. If you were stupid you probably thought they were spiders. Mickey Mouse at least thought they were.

"Eek! Spiders on my shoes! I'm going to continue to scream like a little girl for the rest the chapter!" He was jumping up and down. His back fat bouncing with him.

The demonic cookies started to eat my wings! Not the chicken wings! They had special sauce! Then they actually ate the wings on my back which released my back fat. The nose hair cookies were almost done eating the whole blimp! So I did the most logical thing. I jumped off the edge. And when was about halfway to the ground I realized that I didn't have any wings anymore. That's okay, I would've died anyway.

_Splat_

And all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty back together again. Wait…wrong story. They couldn't put _Maxy_ back together again. Isn't it weird that I'm dead and yet I'm still talking to you? I love the world!

Have no fear! I was brought back to life! How? Fang was part princess fairy queen. He had magic emo powers and he used his fluffy pink tutu to bring me back! I luffles you Fang! –demonic voice-

The most interesting part of this whole scene was Fang wasn't wearing any pants today. So I had to stare at his butt tattoo…again. Yup, it was still there in all its squirrel glory. Unfortunately, the cookie's favorite food was squirrel so they ate his butt. It looks pretty disturbing now but I'll spare you the details. Let's just say that I didn't luffles him anymore.

"Caw, caw! I have mail!" called the mail crow. Oh, that must be the wedding invitation!

I opened up the letter the crow gave me and it looked a little something like this:

_ Dear Max,_

_ The flying mutant bunny and I are getting married sometime in the next chapter. So you better come or I'll eat your toes because I like peanuts. A lot. Meet us at the Wub Club in Wuzzleberg. _

_ Hope to eat toes soon,_

_ Angel_

_P.S I'll probably eat your toes anyway_

_P.P.S You better bring me a present _

_P.P.P.S.W It better be peanuts_

"Come on, Fang! Use your fairy powers to fly me home! But put some pants on first. And a band aid. We got a wedding to crash!"

And with those famous last words of the chapter, we flew off into the sunset. Even though it's only noon.

**A/N: I told you it was weirder than the first chapter. My brothers sort of helped so that explains a lot. Review Please and if you have any ideas for more crazy deaths tell me and I'll try to add them. The crazier they are the more likely they'll make it into this story. Thanks for reading! **


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